Timeline of a Foster Placement

Thursday 4:00 pm

I’m sitting in my car in front of the gym where my son is having basketball practice. It is pouring rain and I am enjoying a moment to myself when my phone rings. It’s my favorite caseworker from CWS (Child Welfare Services).

So,there is a five year old boy in need of an immediate emergency placement.

He was court ordered out of his other placement for safety reasons. I won’t get into the details, but I will say that it wasn’t his fault and didn’t appear to be an abusive situation either. But, he had been injured, and had to be moved immediately. He was currently at the hospital where he had been waiting all day.

I’m surprised because I wasn’t even aware we were still on the active list.

They know we have 10 kids in our home right now including 2 kids currently in foster care.

I take down all the info and call husband.

He’s home wrangling all the other kids, getting dinner ready, feeding the farm animals… just generally doing a million things at once.

I explain the situation.

"How can you even ask me that?" he says.

I know. I know. I’m so sorry. But something (the Holy Spirit) tells me that we are supposed to do this.

As a matter of fact, I had hyper cleaned and organized the house for the whole day previously to this phone call for no apparent reason. I’d just done it, like for fun? (Holy Spirit working again in oblivious old me).

We agree to an emergency placement for the weekend just to buy CWS some more time to find a more appropriate placement.

Feeling like my husband might be contemplating divorce, I call the caseworker back.

“Isn’t there someone else? We are pretty full…”

“Well there is one more family… But they live way off grid and the kids get scared because there’s no lights at night….”

Oh just bring me the kiddo already.

I hang up and there’s a break in the rain.

I step outside just as my good friend walks by on her way to pick up her own kids from basketball. I must look stricken because she asks what’s wrong. I tell her what I did.

We already have two 5 year old kids, how are we supposed to handle three five year olds at once?

She prays for me right there on the spot. I feel better but still dazed.

My phone rings again and it’s my neighbor (also a fellow foster mom) with a question. I must sound funny cause she asks what’s wrong. I tell her and she doesn’t miss a beat,

“What do you need?”

What do I need? I need a…bed. I don’t even have a place for this poor kiddo to sleep.

“I’m on it,” she says.

By the time I collect my son from practice and drive the five minutes to my house. She is already leaving having dropped off her spare bed!

God has blessed me with such good friends.

I have a really incredible husband, too.

Not only did he say yes, even though it was against his practical judgement, but he never said another negative word about it. He just kept on with the cooking, cleaning up, and parenting of the evening. No salty words or looks.

Thursday 7:00 pm.

We’d given the kids dinner and gotten them started on their bed time routines. Everyone is so excited about a new friend moving in. There is no way anyone was sleeping anytime soon!

Joey and I head to a nearby gas station where the caseworker’s assistant would make the handoff.

That is she would be delivering to us one tired, scared, precious little human being.

Or so we thought, while he was definitely precious, he didn’t appear tired or scared. This kiddo just blew our minds with his first impression. He was like ‘hey what’s up?’, “nice to meet ya”, “Sure, you’re total strangers but this other stranger lady says its cool so like let’s go home”

It was like picking up the child Anakin Skywalker.

Hence is new nickname in our hearts– Little Man.

Little Man chats about his family on the way home.

He misses them and we tell him he will see them soon and he will be safe with us until they are ready for him. He nods, very matter of fact about it all.

We brought him home and everyone became best friends immediately. We let them all stay up a little later than usual to get to know each other and to calm down from the excitement.

Thursday 10:30 pm

Joey and I are getting ready for bed. “I say, well I guess this will work out for the weekend”.

My husband says, “No, he definitely needs to stay with us for as long as he needs.”

I just love that guy.

Friday

I make all manner of phone calls. Caseworkers, schools, doctors, visit supervising agency. The kids play all day. All is well.

Saturday 7:00 am

I’m greeted with “Hi mom what’s for breakfast?”

This always shocks me but we’ve seen it before. We would never tell a foster kiddo to call us Mom or Dad. But it’s crazy how they pick it up from the other kids.

Saturday 10:00 am

I go to work at the Keiki Kloset.

Joey has a standing appointment at a local farm to pick up fresh food. Some of the kids usually stay behind with our teenagers, but since Little Man is new, we didn’t want to leave him the big kids. It’s usually a treat for the kids to go to the farm.

This time it was a trigger.

Saturday 1:30 PM

I pull up to the house. Joey and our 5 year old daughter are sitting in the carport looking shell shocked. Little Man had not wanted to go to the farm. He had absolutely lost it. Screamed and threw himself down on the floor.

Eventually, he calmed down and got in the car with our daughter and Joey. But, five minutes down the road, the swearing began. In a calm, somewhat creepy voice, he cussed out my husband like a sailor.

“I hate you. I don’t want to be here. Who are you anyway? You’re not my dad. You’re a stranger. You’re kidnapping me! Help!!!!”

Finally, he had passed out in the car. My husband was sitting in the carport watching over him while he slept in the minivan with all the doors and windows open.

We wondered what had triggered him? Did he think we were going to drop him off at another home? Would he even remember this when he woke up?

He did. And he picked up the tantrum right where he left off. This time directed at me. When I got too close to try to calm him, he punched me in the jaw. He’s pretty little, and I’m pretty fast, so he didn’t do much damage, but I was sure a lot more cautious after that.

Eventually he ran to his bed and just sobbed.

He called for me after about 10 minutes and asked me what was for lunch.

Saturday 3:00 pm

The honeymoon is over.

There is always a honeymoon period with foster kiddos. Once kids get comfortable and let their guard down, behaviors can pop up. These kids have all been through trauma. They have been removal from their home, family, and everything they’ve ever known.

This is traumatic!

I once was at a conference for foster parents. We had just had lunch and there was a new speaker.

She said “Alright first thing, I want everyone to get up and switch tables. Make sure you take all your things and sit with different people.”

We all complied, and we all complained, and gathered up our notebooks, and half-finished plates, drinks, and purses. I sat at another table, but I chose to sit with people I knew.

Once we got settled, she says. That was a pain wasn’t it. We all nodded. First of all, is there anyone who didn’t move at all? We all laughed when one daring lady raised her hand.

All you had to do was pick up and move one table over. Imagine what it’s like for these kids to pick up and move in with strangers.

Trauma. Just the move can cause it. But with some kids, most kids, there is a lot more trauma than just that one move….

With the honey moon over, there was a lot more screaming, I hate yous, and sobbing in bed.

We knew to give him some space, check on him, and wait until he was ready. We did lots of talking and reassuring that he was staying right here for as long as he needed. But, we did let him know that hitting and kicking was not allowed.

Sunday 9:00 am

We decide to go to church even though we are a little freaked out. It goes great! He had a great time and he got to pick out some toys from the Keiki Kloset while we were there. (I had already raided it for clothes in his size on the day after we got him).

Monday

Things have settled down a bit. We are in a groove. I’d hoped he’d be able to start school but there are paperwork issues.

Tuesday 11:00 am

We head into town for Little Man’s visit with his parents. We’re nervous. He’s nervous, too. We had wait until just before we have to leave before we tell him what’s going on.

We knew enough to confirm with the caseworkers and visit supervisors that the parents have said they would be there.

He’s excited, but cautious. He asks “But, I’ll be coming back here afterwards, right?” We assure him that he definitely is.

He's usually a chatterbox, but he is almost silent for the entire drive in.

Tuesday 3:00 pm

We are heading home from the visit. His parents were friendly and thankful to Joey and I. They looked a little like they were in a rough space, but clearly loved Little Man.

Tuesday 4:00 pm

Caseworker calls me back saying let’s hold off on school. It looks like a close relative is stepping up. They are running all the background checks and looking into the support system surrounding this out of state placem.ent

Wednesday

The new-kid flash has worn off for my other kids and Little Man's tantrums are starting to wear on them.

My other kids are just champion siblings. They are learning things about the world and growing in compassion in ways I could not even dream about.

BUT, they are just kids and there are always issues. (And many of my kids have had trauma in their past that they are still dealing with as well. )

There are Lots of issues. Lots of arguments. Lots of teachable moments.

And lots of moments that make me so proud too.

Remember I said this would be the 3rd 5-year-old in our house?

Well it was just precious to see our 5-year-old daughter comfort Little Man after his first big tantrum.

She witnessed it firsthand in the car, and when Little Man let us back in, she was the first one to put her arm around him and tell him it was ok.

All the other kids also had beautiful moments and lots of fun was being had as well.

However, it was not all giggles.

Our other 5-year-old boy was definitely feeling displaced by his hanai brother.

He clung to us at night and begged to know that he would be with us forever, right? That he was a part of this family too, right?

And then there were of course the endless squabbles. These go on pretty much constantly at our house anyway. But even adding just one kids to the mix creates an exponential increase.

We struggle through.

We are reaching a tipping point in this placement where things are just about under control. Confidence in our ability to parent is being restored. A new normal is being established.

Thursday 10:00 am

The kids are all outside playing with Joe.

Caseworker calls.

Little Man would be moving to the mainland with a relative -IN 2 HOURS!

A whirlwind ensures. This kiddo has collected a massive amount of stuff in the past 7 days. I fish out a giant duffel bag and start washing laundry and gathering things up from all over the house.

The kids are drifting in and out and begin to grow suspicious.

But, Little Man is engrossed in watching my husband picking avocados with a giant fruit picker. He hasn’t noticed and I am trying to keep the cat in the bag for as long as possible.

Thursday 11:30 am

Lunchtime.

We explain what’s going on to Little Man.

We try to make it sound exciting, a big adventure. He’s going with a relative that he’s known about all his life but really hadn’t spent that much time with.

He says, “But then, I’ll be coming back here again right?”

“Someday maybe Little Man. If you want to, we will always be here for you.”

Thursday 12:30 pm

We are back at the gas station, making the hand off again.

He’s got snacks and toys, coloring books, crayons, and hot wheels to keep him busy on the plane. We hug him goodbye and tell him how happy we are for him to be going on this great new adventure with his family.

The caseworker had said all kinds of great things about them, and I am confident that this will be a good fit, and probably a forever fit.

Success!

Thursday 10:30 pm

Kids are all asleep.

The house is peaceful, and my husband and I are watching some well deserved junk TV. I heave a big sigh.

“Well we did it. I told you sometimes placements can be short term.”

It looks like everything is looking up for Little Man and we made it through unscathed.

I look over at my husband…. And catch him wiping his eyes!

“What I thought you’d be relieved!”

“I am,” he says. But I had really gotten attached to that little guy…”

Did I mention that I just love my husband?

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